Loneliness is crushing, like waves crashing against a break point. It pounds me, makes me soft with emotion. Makes me salty with tears, thoughts of regret and inadequacy. It drowns me in truth of reality. I fight through the waves that threaten to take me under in a current of depression. I’m fighting to break through, to breathe freely. I’m fighting for fresh air. I fight against the under tow, determined to rise to the top… Perhaps one day, I’ll be blessed and the waves will settle into a new love.
This is the word of today. It’s a longing… a hopeless longing for the unattainable. It’s an unfulfilled ache in the heart. It’s not knowing if I can be fixed. Do I leave my heart open to be filled, or do I close it off with an emotional tourniquet. Do I let it grow a callous, so that it can never feel this pain again? Despair… it’s worse than heartbreak. Heartbreak is final. A broken heart can mend. But, Despair is the result of hope… a hope for the possibility of love reborn. It makes one… Desperate. And I am desperate. I HATE being desperate. Desperation is not sexy. Desperation is weak. Desperation reeks of uncertainty and failure and insecurity. I hate myself for being desperate for a love that may never return. I hate this feeling of swimming in an ocean of love and not seeing the land of assurance. I’m swimming, and paddling, and trying… desperately. To make her fall back in love with me. She’s thrown me the life line of her love. Love like a best friend’s love. Love like an old confidant. And for now, it’s enough to keep me a float. But, how long will she keep me in the desperate tides, watching me struggle and fight? Will she jump back… in love with me? In love with me like the white hot heat. Like the passionate, I can’t live without you type of love. Or, will she just cut me loose and let me drift away? I seem to forget. I, too, have a choice. How long will I cling to the life line… desperately? I feel like a child, desperate for her approval. Afraid that at any misdeed, she’ll withhold her love from me. I am afraid to think freely, or consider my own needs.
She loves me… She loves me not. The uncertainty leaves me in despair.
On March 10, 1991 at UCLA, Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority, Inc chartered the MAgnificent Mu Alpha Chapter. In the Spring of 1995, I crossed as the Tr3 of Imani Line and added my name to its rich legacy of professional women, doctors, lawyers, teachers and general excellence. I have many Sorors and love them all. But, it takes am aMAzing woman to be Mu Alpha. As we celebrate our 25th anniversary, I am honored and proud to be a part of this bond.
Weight loss is by far the biggest challenge I’ve ever faced. It’s physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. The battle to make healthy choices, when fast food is so cheap and easily accessible has to be akin to what Eve dealt with in the garden. The toughest part is the interal struggle with self to do the right thing. You fight to get up early and workout, you fight laziness, excuses, body aches, mental fatigue, time… The list goes on.
But, if you can push through the challenges, the reward is immense. You gain energy, self esteem, sexiness, and the world seems to open up around you.
Fitness is the fight of my life, for the rest of my life. There’s no room for laziness and complacency at the table of excellence. I will be obedient. I will be patient. I will choose my goals over immediate gratification. Amen.
I had an amazing day yesterday, starting with a great workout, and ending with dinner with friends!
God blessed us with a warm, sunny saturday. I got up early, got into the gym, road 14 miles while listening to a great I love the 80’s mix by DJ Jaycee. A great music mix can make a workout a lot of fun!
I headed over to Irv Seaver BMW in Orange, CA to hang with Edwina and Kevin. They had great free carne asada tacos! The service guys helped me out on the spot with my bike alarm issue, and I was ready to roll in 15 mins! While I waited, I grabbed tacos and browsed the accessories section. They’re having a great sale with 20% off of heated gear.
Edwina showed me Schuberth’s new M1 half helmet, which has its own SRC Comms system. We’ll be taking it out for a ride, and I’ll write about it in an upcoming issue of Black Girls Ride Magazine.
After lunch and shop talk, I headed over to SeCCRet’s Long Distance Rider Orientation. We’re preparing for the Bessie Stringfield Ride, June 22 – 25 from Birmingham, AL to Miami, FL, and SeCCRet put together an awesome presentation on must-have gear for a long ride.
Day 2 of 365 complete! Over 7 miles plus leg day. Realizing it’s ok to be obsessive. Some people call it obsessive, some call it focused. To get the results I want, fitness has to be an extreme priority. There can be no complacency until the goal is met. #occupythegym #faith #focus fitness #runoutofexcuses
Counting my blessings and loving life. It’s been an amazing year!
It’s been a heck of a month. I’m still reeling from the tragic death of my sister Stiletto. After a week out of my fitness routine, and a horrible diet, I’m back to business. It’s ok to be visit sadness, but I can’t live there. Trying to pull myself together and plan for a jam-packed 2016. Lots to do, so little time. I pray everyday for consistency, faith, focus and fitness. Success is all about follow up and follow through.
Finished. Incline Walk, 15 @ 3.0, 63 mins, 1044 cals burned. Folks ask me for tips, so I’m gonna offer one a day. #fitnesstip: LOG EVERYTHING. When I was fanatically logging my food and exercise, I saw the greatest progress. Logging lets you know exactly how you’re eating, and how to mathematically reach your goal. I use the myfitnesspal app. It’s free and easy. My goal is to log everything that I put in my mouth and every exercise. But I’ve been slacking. Time to get back on it. #occupythegym #consistency #faith #focus #fitness